Just Saying...

Just Saying...

Well Then, Tell Me How You Really Feel

Posted: 14 May 2012 09:24 PM PDT

My Aunt is an uber bitch these days. Nothing provokes her belittling attacks against me, but when they surface, they're hot pokers aimed at open wounds.

We talk a few times a week, every week. Sometimes a little less depending on our schedules. Tonight, was just touching base on how our weekends went. Ya know, birthdays and Mother's Day etc. I mentioned my frustrations about a program at my job, and just having to guess at certain parts of it, while waiting for some training from another person in my position at a different location.

Not sure how the topic turned against me, but man did it. This is not the first time she's attacked me, but I've also been doing my part over the years to never let the topics of my love life and my weight come to be a topic.

So. From my mentioning of frustration at my job, she has decided, that I do not deserve my job, as I didn't go to school for it, and by gawd, she's sure there is someone out there with a university education who is more deserving of it. *blink in shock*

After telling her she's wrong, and my education has nothing to do with the current position I'm in; she informs me accountants go to school for many many years etc blah blah, and I haven't. Ummmm, okay, but I'm not an accountant, and my position isn't an accounting position. It's property management. While there is a certain amount of basic accounting you have to do, it's nothing a high schooler couldn't do.

My frustrations are with the JDE Oracle program. Yes, it's a financial program, but that's not my issue. It's finding the pathways to get to where I need to be, to execute the task at hand. If any of you know the program, you know just how huge it is. Even my manager has said, "There is only so much you can learn, there will always be something that will fall on your desk that someone else will have to teach you". Not to mention, it takes a year to learn the in's/out's of my job. I've been there 3 months.

I've taken hobby course at night school over the years. It's one way to learn what I don't want to do with my life. Another way to look at it is; by not having a university education, also means I'm not up to my eyeballs in debt for an education I'm not using in that field. We all have those friends. Friends who are in debt 10's of thousands of dollars in debt, and working where? In a book store, or waiting tables, cos that is all they could find to pay the bills.

From there, she attacked my love life. That I would never land an educated man, cos what man with a MBA would date me, not having an education of my own? Nor would an athletic man who takes care of himself would ever date me either, cos, well, I'm overweight.  *more blinking in shock*.  She seems to forget I was once an athlete myself. Not all men care about how fit a woman is (sure it's nice) but they want a woman who will at least try! There is more to a relationship than just looks. Sure, looks get your attention, but it won't keep it.

That has always been a sore spot for me. My love life and my weight. 

I've had 3 great loves. One for 8 years. One on/off for 14 years. One very short, intense, passionate  2 years, that I learned the most from. But that means nothing in her books as I'm currently  turning 40 and unmarried.

My love life had been drama that could have put the Desperate Housewives to shame! However, it has taken a turn for the better, but I can't share it with the one person I want to, for fear of ridicule and defending why this relationship works, and the last one didn't. Or to defend how this relationship came to the current terms, why now and not 20 years ago.

The last one is still a sore spot for me. The Aunt loves trying to explain to me that I didn't do enough, to be good enough for him. Hence why he chose the other girl. Sigh, really?  I know why we didn't work out. But that's just an excuse in her books. I should have tried harder. In her opinion.

Maybe. I could have fought harder for him. In the end, he'd just be my expensive divorce waiting to happen, and not HRH's. Kind of feel bad for her. I do. Cos she all blissfully happy in love, married thinking she won. She didn't. I didn't. We're both losers in this. It will just take her longer to learn that.

What is even more pathetic, is that even knowing what I know, the things we said to each other, right to the last day, those last hours. I was hysterically upset over it for a bit. I couldn't stop being hurt that I wasn't enough. That I let it happen for so many years past where it should have ended. But now, I'm glad it didn't work out. I could never have trusted him.

My weight. I work at it.
I cut out the sugar, salt, high fat foods etc, and I pack on 10 more pounds!  So ya, it's a tender spot to be told I'm not good enough by the one person who is suppose to be there unconditionally. She doesn't have to agree with my life, my choices, etc, but she should accept them, as they are part of me.

Today, in my Aunts books, I'm a piece of shit. She didn't say that, but she may as well have. Cos what job and man do I deserve without an education and being fat? As she do nicely put it.

It was a beat down I just did not need on a day where I feel like shit.