Just Saying...

Posted: 21 Apr 2012 06:13 PM PDT

I was watching a show late last night how young adult and even grown adults come to the conclusion that suicide is a viable choice in life.

Personally I think it's an extremely selfish one. However, from a friend's experience, and a personal experience, I completely understand how one comes to this conclusion. It's not a heat of the moment decision. It's probably the most rational thought you'll ever have.

Why, how, when, do you write a letter explaining yourself? It's a thought out plan.

I've suffered from mental illness in my family my whole life, and have had bouts of deep depression myself. Only once did I ever humour the idea. It was after my Mum passed and I was not mentally healthy. I clearly remember sitting on the couch after drinking myself into a stoop, to numb any, and all feelings from the grief I was dealing with; that I sat there will a bottle of wine, and a bottle of sleeping pills, just staring at the combo in what seemed forever. Knowing just how easy it would be to end the pain. As drunk as I was, knowing what just one pill would do to me with that amount of alcohol in my system, what a whole bottle of sleeping pills would take me to a very peaceful place. You can almost will yourself to accept defeat and commit the heinous act.

Having that one foot over the line, knowing I would never intentionally do it, though had a very clear understanding how one gets there. I shared all this with my shrink, who surprisingly did not put me on suicide watch or stop prescribing me medication. But upped the amount of visits I saw her in a week.

This past week, I've revisited that place in my head. Stuck in a funk of loneliness and small amounts of other hells resurfacing has me thinking about "what if".

The part that pisses me off and enviably stops me from moving forward is how long would it take for anyone to notice I was gone? Not active on fb, twitter, emails or phone calls. I estimate roughly 6 weeks. Would anyone really care? Or would they say they saw it coming? Nice eh?

The roommate is gone for that long, so no one would notice until my rent stopped clearing my account, or my employer followed up as to why I'm not coming to work. My phone doesn't having enough incoming calls for anyone to realize that way. I think it would be when the selfish one way relationships in my life started noticing I'm not calling anymore would finally get twinge of concern.

Well, we don't have to worry about any of that, cos I'm not committing suicide. Came to the conclusion, I only have a handful of real friends. And a shit load of acquaintances. Not the same.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being the glue for a few circles in my life. I'm tired of taking care of myself. I'm tired of taking care of others and all their demons. I'd like for once, just once, someone to take care of me. I don't want any of my relationships to be all about them and their lives, their friends. It needs to mutual. As much as I'd like to think my circles are, they're not.

I'm feeling a little woes is me the last couple days. Tired of walking around on eggshells in my own apartment to humour the mood swings of my roommate. I'm tired of temping and would love to have this job turn permanent so I could get some benefits and better pay. I would love for the people in my life I make a priority, to make me one, and stop pushing me back burner, cos they know I'm flexible that way, although it's turned me into a door mat and a pushover.

It's Saturday and I think I've called every single person in my phone books to do something. Not only could I not reach anyone, no one has been respectful enough to return a call or text, even though I've seen them on fb, twitter and all other media networks. In short. I'm not feeling the love, or loved.

So why move forward? Why go to work to make living to live a lonely existence?

It's just a funk. But it's a deep one.

I do have a blossoming relationship happening, and sadly, that's all that is keeping me afloat right now. Bothers me that I can't stay afloat myself, for myself.

Needless to say, maybe seeking professional help again may not be a bad idea at this time.

....now back to your regular programmed schedule.

Just Saying...

Just Saying...

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