Posted: 25 Mar 2012 02:21 PM PDT
The pang of loneliness for my parents I feel in my heart today, can't be measured or explained in words. It hasn't been this bad in years. Absolutely numb with sadness today.
Really not looking forward to the roommate coming home, who will no doubtingly have some belittling comment about woman who cry being weak. Actually, if he were to see me actually upset the way I am, I think he would just stay in his room. He's not good with emotions or with showing how to be sympathetic. Not to say he isn't, just isn't good with expressing it.
Not sure how or why this relapse has happened. I wasn't this mopey or upset on their anniversaries, or the fact I missed my Dad's this year, being busy with my own drama. Maybe it has something to do with my sister giving me some validation and acceptance?
It's the kind of numb I simply do not care about anything, anyone or the consequences of anything. Trying to rise a reaction out of me today, would be met with a listless look of disdain for nothing.
Empty robotic mode = survival, I think.
Posted: 25 Mar 2012 11:49 AM PDT
I gotz it.
...from a sibling!
One of my sisters has consistently been making as much effort into our relationship as I have. She called yesterday to say Hi. We chatted for a few hours until my cordless phone died. I really need to get a new battery for it.
We covered many topics, one of which seems to be a sore spot for my siblings to discuss with me. My biological father. They've been protective about how much I learn, but I've been asking since I was 17, I'm 40 this year. I think I can handle whatever you can tell me.
We got onto the topic of LC and the current plan of action she has at the moment. Upon which I shared things I've been doing to assist, support, her the best I can etc.
I've always known a part of how strongly I feel about this topic has to do with what my mother went thru and the strength she endured as a result.
We covered many other topics, some light, some heavier. With that a very sincere compliment came from my sister. Ya, everyone says "you know how I feel", although it's actually nice to hear the actual reasons. She had a moment. Sharing how she admired my loyalty, strength, and was proud of the woman I've turned into. And that our Mum would be extremely proud. Knowing I've taken the higher road with LC and put our issues back burner to help her thru the bigger picture.
It was nice to hear it. I've been weepy ever since. All I've ever wanted from my siblings was to be accepted and seen as an adult. Not the little kid I felt they had animosity towards, cos they HAD to be responsible for me as teenagers, as our Mother had to work full time.
It may have only been one sibling of 5 that said it. I'll take it. Beggar's can't be choosers. Can't not articulate just what a milestone in my life this is. The validation it gives me. I shouldn't still urn for it. Human nature says otherwise - it's natural to want.
We've been getting along less and less lately. I wonder how much of our clashes come from a more deep rooted issue than something I've said in a wrong tone.
Having said, "Have fun" as a response to him having a friend over, resulted with accusing me of not treating him as an adult, being jealous, petty, weird and a skank.
All that from "have fun". Granted, my tone may have not been perfect, though it was sincere.
We're no longer being intimate, so his sexual health is no longer my concern or business. Yes, I can turn it off, just like that.
I'd really like for us to have the rapport to become friends, I just have to accept that is never going to happen to the degree I'd like it to grow. Can't force a friendship on someone who doesn't seem to want it.
Funny how you can care about someone who shares a home with you, and not be the traditional sense of "friends".
I accept him in all his quirks, and can see the great man he is; in spite of the rough hand he was dealt growing up. It's just a shame I seem to drive him insane.
Hopefully this too shall pass.
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