Just Saying...

Just Saying...

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Posted: 12 Jan 2012 08:10 PM PST

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Stress is a BITCH! FML

Posted: 12 Jan 2012 12:09 AM PST

Ensue rambling....

**I'm stressed to the point of my face breaking out! A week. 8 days, before I take my last fucking Accutane pill.  I put my body thru 10 months of bone pain, hair falling out, bleeding noses, dry itchy skin, and extreme fatigue. And for what? Was it all for nothing?

**Can't find a job that pays enough to pay my bills (without a roommate) and stressed to the point I'm a mega uber bitch.

**Stressed to the point that the roommate and I are barely on speaking terms. Ya I hurt his feelings last week by having a guy over, (he came home hours early) and it pissed him off. It wasn't til I ranted to a friend she mentioned he's jealous. I thought, that's sweet, and weird. Cos he has a gf. Which means nothing these days from the track record my male friends have. So what does he do? He has 2 different girls over in 3 days, flaunting the point of having them over.

The one didn't bother me, but the other; there was something about the way he primped for her arrival that got completely under my skin.

Oh, let's back up here, Single and Picky knows this, but the rest of you don't. We slept together. Yup. He has a gf and I did it anyways. Horrible I know. And until now, it's never been an issue. We've carried on like it was nothing.

The short of it is, we're both jealous. He was upset and jealous that I,(see single) had a guy over for intimate adventures, and did it to get back at me to intentionally be hurtful.

We talked about it yesterday and thought we came to an agreement of stepping back and starting from scratch. I walked away feeling good about it, that is, until I got home today and I'm at the receiving end of one word answers and grunts. Clearly still being hurt by my shitty attitude (it wasn't great) towards him cos he had someone over Monday. It was just the last small thing on the rest of my stress that completely set me off. Cried most of Monday out of sheer frustrations about everything. I tried to tell him we need to get pass this, cos I apologized once, for taking out my elevated stress levels out on him when he really didn't deserve it. Nope, still being a jerk.

Men, is being jerky a defensive mechanism to protect your feelings???

He's even gone as far as threatening (or stating fact)to move out twice in the last 24 hours. Which really made me smirk:
1) HE gave me a deadline of when *I* needed to have a job by, or he'd move out.
2) If talking about why he's mad at me, and trying to find a compromise is going to be an ongoing issue, he has no problem moving out.
3) In a very defensive tone, advised me we would never be sleeping together, ever, ever again!!!  I just stood there and nonchalantly said "That sucks, but okay. It is what it is. I'm not going to try and convince you to change your mind". What else was I suppose to say?

1) It's my fucking apt, I'm a big girl. I know how long I can make my severance last. He shouldn't be concerning himself with that. If I think I'm going to have an issue, I'll let him know and he can make other arrangements. Not the other way around.

2) If living together and not speaking is acceptable to him, I can live with that. I didn't NEED him to live here. Ya it surely helps right now, but I managed for 9 years prior to him being here. 

If he needs an out, then just take one. Don't pick a fight with me to warrant a reason to do so. So, I'll be giving him all the space he needs. And yes, it does hurts that our rapport isn't going to grow into a closer friendship. I need to be liked. Mostly for the fact we share a small space. But I'll be damned if I'll have a roommate dictate to me a deadline to find employment. Had he said it differently, I'm sure I wouldn't be nearly as defensive as I am right now. It is his personality to have conflict with women. He did warn me ahead of time that he was difficult to live with. And I ignored it, cos until now, he's been easy peasy to live with.

3) Ok. It is what it is. And really it is. He's got a ridiculously delicious body, but that's it. When the Douche and I broke up forever ago now, I had settled to the conclusion that my sex life was never going to be great again. So far, true. The only part about not sleeping together anymore, was, I was getting that fix of feeling wanted and desirable for those moments. Just enough to keep me sane and not going bat shit crazy. And that part sucks and will be missed.

I'm sure we'll smooth things over in time, a long time, cos man can he hold a grudge. I thought I was bad. We're both jealous of each other's love lives and shouldn't be one bit. We're fucked up.

All I want to do is throw myself on the ground and cry. I've had more stress cries in the past two weeks than I know what to really do with. I've never been unemployed more than a couple days at the longest. The fact I'm officially on Day 11 of being so, kills me, I'm bored, adding the stress of mutual jealously, and stress about my face... *sniff* *tear*.

FML. I'm hurt. I'm fragile, scared and unliked by the person living in my house.