Posted: 07 Jan 2012 09:20 PM PST
Admitting my emotional weaknesses. My needs, wants, trust issues and insecurities.
I haven't been doing so with myself as much as I should in the past years.
I've always sucked it up and faked it, til you make it. In the last week in a few conversations, it's come up and I've willingly admitted to being the following things:
Jealous: I'm occasionally jealous of my friends success, in a good way. However, I've been told a few times in the last year I've shown mildly jealously traits towards about men. Sadly, it's true. I've never been a jealous person, I've never seen the point. Though now I recognize it, and simply admit it when it's taking place. I'm no where near the crazy physco's, though I get the twitch and tingle of envy, sadness and wanting what someone else has. The roommate has called me out on it one, and I openly agreed I was. It was easier than disagreeing and being teased about it later.
Emotionally Insecurities: Okay, what women doesn't have them? I use to think they make me weak. Though now just admitting to it and owning it, it doesn't bother me as much, and I care much much less what others think about it.
Openly Affectionate: I've never been one for sappy, sloppy public displays of affection. Not in the sickening cuteness pet names way; I like the inside jokes, they way a spouse strongly gentle puts his hand on your lower back when passing by you in the kitchen or out and about. The most simple forms of affection are so much better than big gestures. Laying about in the house or in bed and have an arm rested on you, or leaning against each other. Pecks on the cheek just because and holding hands! I love holding hands! There is something so simple, romantic, and intimate about it.
Needs: I need a lot of things. I need the people in my life to like me. I need to be liked in general. I need the occasional reassurance that I'm loved, wanted, desired by friends and spouses. I need mutual two-way street relationships. I've spent so much time being miserable about siblings, friends and spouses not returning the effort I make. I know what it takes to make relationships work. It's infuriating when it's not returned, or even acknowledged, or simply blown to the wayside like it didn't matter. That hurts.
Wants: I want the relationships I have to be mutual. Understood. Loving. Honest. Granted I know there are hiccups in every level, every type of relationships. I want to be wanted. I want men to be honest and stop the bullshit games they play. Same with my friends. I want them to step up and be friends, not just passing acquaintances who take and give nothing back.
Trust Issues: I have them. In recent years, men haven't exactly given me a reason to take them, or anyone for that matter, at their word. I've become overly cynical as a result. Making me look jaded, jilted and bitter. And I am. I don't want to be. The only difference is now, when my gut tells me something isn't on the up and up, I'm going to trust that instinct and walk away. Rather than ignoring it forcing myself to make excuses for people and really try to see the good in them. If it's not there, it's not there. I won't dig for it or force it, or even try to have enough trust for both of us. It has to be mutual.
Maybe turning 40 this year I've completely stepped into my own and really know myself better than I have in the past. Or at least admitted to what I've always know but somehow saw as a weakness before.
So there you have it. A small part of my onion I've peeled back for you to see. For everyone to see. It's who I am, so why hide it?
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